When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutely terrified, I guess even petrified. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, slowly those feelings turned into happiness and excitement. We started planing and getting ready to welcome our little girl.
May 3rd was her due date.
March 5th I had my normal 30 week appointment, I thought everything was fine, I had no reason to believe otherwise, we started the ultrasound, mischa next to me holding my hand and trying to find her (he always had a hard time figuring out where she was during the ultrasounds) suddenly my doctor was quiet, I asked if everything was ok and he said “not really” I swear I went cold. I started picturing the worst scenarios in my head. After all we had already heard the heartbeat and had done the specialized ultrasound to check for any birth abnormalities so I just didn’t know what could be wrong. He asked me to clean and meet him in his office. I was shaking and then he started to explain how our baby had stopped growing at 27 weeks and how she was really tiny and not her cord wasn’t really nourishing her.
I was kind of relieved. I thought a small baby can’t be that bad … he told us to go to the specialized hospital the next day. And so we did, at 9:00 am we entered the ludwigsburg hospital. I got tons of special checkups, ultrasounds, blood work etc … they confirmed my doctors diagnosis and told me I’d be staying in bet at the hospital for the remaining of my pregnancy (10-13 weeks) I was honestly pissed. That wasn’t the plan, but whatever. Worst part was, my roommate was an 16 year old pregnant girl who insisted she wanted to go home and saying she didn’t care what happened to her baby. Screaming at her mom for making her stay. I couldn’t believe it.
4 days later I get discharged after being told they needed my bed and I could keep bed rest at home. I mentioned to the nurses how I wasn’t feeling well and that I had really swollen hands and a horrible headache, they dismissed me, told me it was normal and discharged me. (THIS SYMPTOMS ARE NOT NORMAL, this are classic preeclampsia symptoms)
So off I go, Mischa and I have our own apartment, but he had to go to work, and I shouldn’t be home alone, so we arranged for us to stay at my in laws for the rest of my bedrest.
Now, I have to admit, during my pregnancy I was horrible! Always complaining and annoying mischa. But heck ! We are allowed! We are growing tiny humans and it just ain’t easy. So that night I had the absolute most horrible headache I’ve ever had ! And I actually didn’t complain (weird) instead I tried sleeping it off.
I wake up with a headache, blurry vision and nausea. I start throwing up and I think “oh well I’m pregnant, it’s normal”.
That’s the last thing I remember.
This is how it unfolded:
My brother in law heard a loud noise and went downstairs, apparently I had fallen down the stairs and my mouth had some white frizzy thing coming out. I had just had a seizure!
He calls an ambulance and my mother in law. She gets there first and then the ambulance. I get asked my name and I tell them. As I’m being loaded into the ambulance I close my eyes and try to feel my baby move …. nothing.
Suddenly I feel my hands getting tighter and I’m shaking, I was seizing again.
At this point I could hear everything but I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t open my eyes. I heard my mother in law yelling for someone to do something and in my mind I’m sure I’ve lost the baby and I’m cursing at God, telling him how I hated him.
At 11:20 the helicopter arrives with a specialized doctor who will give me the adequate medicines and I’m the absolute worst case, deliver the baby.
11:35 we arrive to the hospital, they wanted to assess the damage to my brain since I had been too long without oxygen. Basically my brain might had been “dead” already. So I go into an MRI machine. And I seize again.
I get rushed into the operating room. I could still hear everything and everyone. I swear I felt the first second of my c section. In my mind I’m crying and still mad at god. But I tell myself that I’ll fight but how the heck do you fight ! That’s the kind of things you hear in movies ! But just how ! Do you just go “I’m fighting, I’m fighting”? No! And it’s not like I had God on my corner after everything I just said. (Of course I had him. He never left)
Mila Sophie Braun was born at 12:45 after an 8 minute long surgery.
She was rushed into the NICU.
I wake up 3 days later. Couldn’t move, and still it knowing if I should feel happy that I was alive or mad for what had just happened. The truth is, it took me a long time, many prayers and beating post partum depression to choose happiness.
Now Mila is almost 2 years and we’re celebrating world prematurity day.