A letter to my daughter

Some days are hard, and some days are plain impossible! Today you woke me up before 7:00 am screaming, so I gave you a bottle of milk and cuddled you. I couldn't fall asleep again so I browsed through my phone, I see a post from this girl I only know through social medial. She writes how much she misses her daughter whom she lost 2 years ago during her pregnancy. She never heard her cry, never saw her smile, she held her for a few hours and then had to let her go. This was so hard to read that I put my phone down and I look at you and I brake… I start crying, and I go back in my mind, I go back to the day you were born, I remember how afraid I was of loosing you, then how hard it was seeing you in the NICU, and how scary it was having you finally home. I can't believe a year has gone by.

You lay there on my bed, and I look at you, I feel happy and peaceful, although I know this feeling will soon vanish as soon as you wake up, you'll want to play, to make a mess.

Fast forward a few hours and it's lunch time, of course today you hate the high chair and will just eat on the floor, making a mess, and because that's not enough you leave a beautiful hand print made of chocolate on my wall. Chocolate of course because I had to bribe you so you would eat.

Then it's time to go out and I'm dreading getting you dressed because I know you'll run around, you won't let me put your dress on, doing your hair gets so loud I swear someone will call the police and report me for child abuse, and the shoes, oh the shoes are the worst, you won't be still and as soon as I get them in you'll remove them. I swear you do the OJ Simpson trick so your shoes won't fit.

This is horrible but now the real trial begins, getting you in your car seat… I'll just say it takes 10 minutes and all my patience.

But now we're back home and you're sleeping and the apartment is a mess and honestly tonight I won't bother to clean it.
I just look at you and I think how grateful I am you chose me to be your mom, how I'd go to hell and back for you. And it's bittersweet to think there will be a day I'll look back and getting you dressed was the hardest part.

Whenever you fell invisible, i see you
If you ever feel lonely, I'm there

I love you, forever, through everything, and always.

I'm proud
I'm happy
I'm tired
I'm a mom.

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